Emotional Scars.

Do you wonder if holding ourselves to a different set of standards to everyone else is a bigger cause behind our emotional damage than most of the life events you feel brought you to be how you are?

That was my thought.

You're thinking about lying to her.

A white lie. To protect her from going through unnecessary sobbing and whining about events that either aren't in my control, or are but I have chosen to not make any acts upon it.

Right. But if this were anyone else what would you be saying?

I'd be saying that a healthy relationship consists of mutual respect and communication.

So why are the rules different here?

Because, this is her first proper relationship. I can't hold her to the same standards as people who have done this before, been hurt before and know what to expect.

But don't you consider yourself the best boyfriend material ever? Why is there a fear that you'll hurt her?

I don't think it's so much I'm worried about hurting her...

..As much as if you hurt her, she might leave you.

...yeah...

Which kinda shows the selfishness of this relationship to you doesn't it?
What do you think she's getting out of this.

I don't know. It's hard to sift through which actions have naive motivations and which ones are actual feelings.

It sounds more like you're afraid of hearing someone say they don't like you as much as you like them.

That's a pretty legitimate fear ain't it?

~one 30 minute phone call with jen later~

Okay. It wasn't a legitimate fear. Because if I was going to be worried about someone possibly not having equal or similar feelings for me, then my only other alternative is to deliberately stay alone and bitter.
There's always going to be a risk no matter who you try to be with. No relationship has a risk free plan where you feel comfortable about every aspect of your romantic lives, and if you are its only because you are choosing to be blissfully ignorant. You can't make that last a lifetime no matter how well you can lie to yourself.

Hell t' th' Na'

My mind, it works again. I'm amazed, I honestly was beginning to worry that my ability to construct coherent thoughts was damaged in some way, you have no idea the hell of a detox I went through.

Smoking to the point of building a tolerance that intensifies your detox is no fun game man. I'd highly advise not 20/20'ing that shit unless you are prepared to keep smoking for the rest of your life.
My mind wants to continue to reassess  my position, thoughts and feelings on having my sober mind come back to it's full throttle; I don't know how many times I've passed the Dominoes store (Oh GOD, and Gone inside, ordered, Picked up and left) and not bothered even asking about the delivery driver position that's been advertised on their front window for 6 weeks now.

This evening I was driving out to get $3 Chicken nuggets from Hungry Jacks (Take care, Garnier) and was approaching the pizza store, and by god actually pulled in and asked about the job.
It was a 2 minute conversation, one that I could have done any day before today. This was probably the first biggest signal to me of my motivation returning, and I know how petty and small that sounds; A lot of people can form positive weed habits while going around getting their shit done and then some.

I've discovered this probably isn't me. Or at least the conclusion I've come to after 9 days of sobriety, leaving nearly 4 years of being a stoner. Can I afford to try and balance weed again once I feel confident with this control? Honestly no, not while my income is so sub-par to the people on every freakin' Reality Show that has overtaken Australian Television the last 6 years.

It really is Big Brother's Fault you know.

But here I am, trying to flat out answer big over arching questions barely a week into kicking this habit. It's still not even fair for me to make assessments on myself, I'm still waking up in sweats, I still have a relatively low threshold in being frustrated; even with issues that stem from myself, where I should just be able to recognize that being angry about my own screw up is irredeemable in it's own way. Nothing is accomplished and I'm snappy. I really hope this is the quitting weed effects and not prolonged exposure to my ex-boss; whom I retained A LOT of patience for, for many years, end on end, dusk til dawn, Day in....Day out....

Oh god, I really, really hope he hasn't broken me. I was a really calm dude.

Sorry, you want exposition on the ex boss thing? Perhaps I'll write out that story. It does have a beginning and an end, which I'm usually terrible at in creative writing (Oh man do I miss off tangent thinking. REAL off tangent thinking, not making an effort to try and go off tangent, It's like all the connections in my brain are rewiring themselves to connect better) There are relevant stories to my progression as a person, good and bad, and there's probably some reflection I need to do from the days of being an underpaid Fish and Chip shop worker 6 days a week 12 hours for 3 years

(He's totes lying, 12 hour shifts was only for the first year, it pulled back realll easy comparatively in the later two years)

it's also occurred to me that you can't write a blog about quitting weed forever if you quit weed. Funny that, content would eventually become irrelevant. But I still want to use this as a platform to help other people relate to stories and situations that I've had to deal with.
Call that high minded if you want, but I am pretty sure it comes from a primal desire to help people. Maybe Someone. not specifically, just someone. After focusing on yourself for so long you tend to lose sight of what's important and factor in issues that...well aren't issues.

A lot of the problems people tend to make are fabricated in their minds, but validated by the actions which derive from those initial thoughts. Power of the mind is key, but believing you have more power than you do is potentially more dangerous than just going with the flow like your friend Rebecca.

She has it so easy.

Yes, My hand is a dolphin.

We need direction, goals, planning, and organization.

I'm going to try and attempt those without the planning and organization.
Hopefully I learn a lesson about how I need to use organizational methods and time management skills to actually benefit my ability to achieve.

One step at a time Children, We're still waking up in sweats.

Stuck.

Go in there.
No.

Chris, this isn't a request, when the alternative is you sitting around doing nothing, you better believe the right thing to do would be to go in there and to the least introduce yourself to the guest.
I don't wanna. Besides it won't just be an introduction. I'll have to hang around and watch stupid youtube videos.

You make that sound like it's a bad thing.
It's more the having to fake emotions part.

Is that necessary?
What? Go in there with a mopey face without a clear indication on what's actually wrong?

Well maybe you wouldn't be so mopey if you joined the people who sound like they're having a great time.
...but... I don't want to..

Christopher.
Oh no, my first name in full.

Weigh up your options here; you can sit in your room, slowly becoming more annoyed at your computer's inability to run battlefield 4 at a standard fps.
OR - and stick with me on this one.....
You just realized after 5 minutes of sitting on that couch even you would want to leave.

.....I....
....out of the two options which is better?
Neither.

So you're better off sitting in your room?
No. I need to eat, but I don't want to cook in front of them and let my brain rack about what they think about me not joining in on either the activities or conversation. I might go get take away.

How is that any better?
Either way; whether in front of them or in another room, they have already acknowledged that you are here, and have chosen not to participate.
But it's more rude if I'm just standing there nearby doing my own cooking...

You're worried about being rude? Little late for that ship. Sailed about 3 months ago dude.
I'll work on my own social connections soon enough.

Well you really should be out there.
You watch a random stream of videos all compromising of 7 second clips that require the attention span of a duck.

.... just work on something.