What i feel.

How do I feel. How do I Feel. I've had so many people ask me... and I've talked to so many people about how I feel... and yet nothing makes me feel any better :(
It's only been a day, and already I'm the depressing ex boyfriend who's dwelling too much, and seeking as much attention I can get.... Except none of those people are who I want to listen..
I'm supposed to sit here, and move on. Just like she has. It's my job, it's my responsibility to move on, Except I can't people! ok??

I was completely ok with this on sunday... just three days ago.. How did I turn around and suddenly care?
All I can do is complain.. talk about how unfair it is...
I've tried to get her back, I only had a day or two, but I tried my very best. I want her back. I can't hide that. If I be quiet, this will be easier on her. But it's so much more harder on me :(

She has someone who can comfort her... someone who can make her feel better.
I don't... I'm... alone... I have friends who are supportive.. but they can't give me what I want.
it's so much to ask for, after everything I did. and still... I think why? How could I not know it was this bad? Why did I let us stop talking?
How could she just....not love me...not even a bit :(
I'm to continue on, and support myself, while she gets someone else's support. Everything I did, to support and help her. Gone.
Do you know how much that took?? Do you know how much it hurt me to push her through all that??!

There is nothing worse than this feeling right now.. This feeling of loving someone who can't even pretend to love you back... I feel like it was just the other day when things were fine, when she loved me. but it wasn't...it was so much longer than that...

I Don't care if I'm not supposed to share this break up story.. I'm hurting too much to keep it in :( And this won't even make a difference.... I'll end up only making more people angry... and screwing everything up even more..






12/11/14 ~ She was a bitch bro, don't worry (y) Thing's got better as you knew they would eventually.

Octopus Pie and being in Love :3

There are two parts to this post, either you're reading it because you want a reccommendation of a web comic to read, or you want to hear about how happy christopher is.

Firstly, Yes, Very very Happy :) The happiest I've been in a while, it took a fair bit of anger release to get it though, hoping I don't have to resolve future problems similarly, isn't it easier when we all just get along? It is :D

This post is just a shout out to Laura Eaves, and how I love you very very mush :3
Thank you baby for keeping us strong <3
Happy 11 months. Love Christopher.

I'm....BATTTMANNNNNNN!!!

So. It's pretty late guys. I'm supposed to be in bed... but then I was all like "No chris, you gotta play batman: arkham asylum! it was like game of the year man".

The buttons! They hurt my head!

So I've just been playing a little bit of it, maybe an hour..yeah.. I approve. it really is a controller designed game though, using the mouse and spacebar to navigate and do combat is..well awkward.
I ended yp confusing myself which button did what, especially since on button had 4 different actions, but they were 'context sensitive'. Which I hate.

See? Superman wasn't the only superhero with underwear on the outside!

12/6

Today... Has been ok.
10 minutes ago I was feeling a little...well for lack of a better word, Shit. But now I'm feeling a little better, so a post is in order! ..Or is the word toast... Oh well I don't have any champagne, and I don't think it anyway. A post! for Christopher's better mood!!

My gift to myself, and the internet.

Did I mention duke nukem has really good looking tits? Honestly I normally wouldn't care, but I mean look at them! I don't think I've ever felt this sexually frustrated from a video game before. But in all seriousness, I played Duke Nukem for a few hours.. was cool...

The Detail was what most impressed me during my hours into the game, from facial animation, to tits, to air hockey physics, to more tits. It all looked just so wonderful.

 Aside from that I went into autobarn, and a few other stores, to get a new igniter...thing for the car. Because the sparks leaking, or something.. I really should pay more attention...

We also went to town, I got some lunch, dad bought me two drinks, and I went home slightly tipsy. Which is sad considering how much I usually drink...

Today has in fact been, A very...very long day.. I don't know exactly what will happen in the future with this, but it's better I've done something about it, then left it as it was.
But you wouldn't know what I'm talking about, and to prevent you from getting curious and asking questions, which will result into more than just a dead cat if you push me enough *Shifty eyes*

LOOK DUKE NUKEM!

That's right, I got this bad boy after chilling at josh's for a bit, we were watching superbad, I had to go home, which of course made me sad.. Til I remembered I was going home to play this!

The game itself is pretty fun, it let's you mess with different mechanics that games usually don't offer, the dev team were mucking around with different in game tools, and it really is a lot of fun.



One such example being on paper, and whiteboards, you can draw whatever you like, in game!

Well... you know.. an artist is only as creative as his... Oh shut up, it's all I could think of, plus it was either that or draw dicks. And apparently josh and trevor already did. I WANTED TO BE INDIE!

I've been able to play these games on a much better settings because of the new parts I got. the 9600gt and a motherboard which has 4 ram slots, ddr2 only sadly, and crossfire capable.

If only I understand radeon cards

so I could use them...

I've been able to play crysis 2 on high settings, but fuck it's hard locating enemies. They're either firing at you constantly, or they blend in with the background. I think it might be a monitor issue.. Need a bigger screen. Which is why I'll be signing up for Sony's new HD, 3D, 24 Inch Tv with HDMI. Comes with glasses and a copy of infamous 2. Sweeeet.

But before that, i need, again, another better graphics card, because I still can't play bad company 2 with a solid framerate. If I can't do at least this, how will I play bettlefield 3 when it comes out?? Simply, I won't be able to. *sigh*

I need to save up for a holiday first before anything else...

MAKA MAKA MAKA Zombies.

 I'm Sorry, did I forget to mention MAKA??!

D'AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I Didn't? Good :D
Just been watching key scenes of Soul eater just before, reminding myself why I love anime...

I mean surely the cute and innocent characteristics of maka just show a successful anime doesn't have to be filled with sexual stero-

OH WAIT



I was wrong. But who cares, the show playfully messes with sex in a very innocent, breast groping, naked bubble bathtub kind of way. It's still very appealing in a non sexual sense!
...Just a whole lot more appealing in the sexual sense..



A whole...



Lot.....






More.....

It also makes for great Humour :D














But aside from the last two hours, I've also had one hell of a full day. Firstly today I was driving sarah around looking for decorations for her Paris themed birthday party in a couple of months, but on top of this, for the first hour we were debating about faith, and her stance being that people are entitled to their own opinion, and I said I had an issue when faith affects their actions in the real world. Like slavery, and anti gay movements. purely on adopted religious views.

After that, came home to move some sand..

I MADE This hole. I will stay Proud.

 And Oh boy. doing that for two hours suuure was fun.
But when you're offered Fried chicken afterward.. well you tend to forget the details of those death threats you made earlier about having to do some physical work..
Still, bad sour mood was around, so I shot nazi zombies.

Actually, this was pretty much where I did. Staircases are not safe..

     Got to round 8. was fair proud.
 

I think I'm going to keep reguarly updating this, it really helps take my mind off things (like my hunger for example, om nom nom nom nom) and allows me to ramble about shit. Today was Counter strike in the early morning time of 10.
...Well early for me anyway.

Haz some screenshots, I mean what's the point of a blog if you're not going to brag :D









Rest of the day so far has been sitting on my arse playing Bayonetta. Good shit.

30/3

Man have I had a long week..
Unfortunately, not a lot with video games or the such. For about two weeks I've been saying to myself "I am going to play SIlent hill 2, I am going to play it, and nothing will s-"
And then usually, something comes up. mind you for about a week was due to laziness, as I didn't have the effort to find the Ps3 controller, and enable the plugin, when I remembered just two days ago that I play it with a keyboard..

So I ended up playing for a good 50 min, reasonable amount of time if you ask me, found a shotgun, killed some nurses, and really sucked myself into the atmosphere of the game, sadly my effort to get up and turn off the lights hindered my experience.

I will play it again tonight, when the sun's down creepy bug noises outside, despite wearing a headset for speakers. I'm determined to move on from the hospital, but even more determined for SOMEONE TO ACTUALLY PLAY IT WITH ME!!
srs guys, Getting capped is medi evil times.

After a few phonecalls, something about Paint, and Laura asking how to unfreeze her phone (Why is it so difficult to produce a stable phone?) I ended up spending some time on counter-strike

Course, I sucked with only 2-3 'feels awesome' moments.

I've downloaded Silent hill 3 and 4, 4 I've played before, loking forward to replaying and hopefully understanding the story better. Still scared the fuck out of me at a younger age.

I'm posting up a video on youtube, links will be added shortly

Ramble

Ok 3 posts in 20 minutes, I'm sorry, I have to, I'm getting edgy sitting here not typing, not getting it out of my system, and running around outside kicking thing's doesn't seem healthier.
I appear to be living in two worlds at the moment, the world where I am told how it is, told what will become, told what really just happened, and told why certain events are occuring. the problem is is that that world conflicts with the second world, the one I'm seeing from my own eyes.

I've been Told why I'm doing something, how I'm going to benefit, where in life this will make thing's grander, greater and open up my doors to a supposive life I could live.
SO how come my life is so restricted. I'm being told the thing's I can do, are priviledges, I should be SO thankful that i can go to this person's house, go to that person's BBQ. And be told that's ridiculous if you think you're seeing her, or going to that party, dream on.

A priviledge? I've being doing these thing's before you were around, a long time, Because I have responsibility.
But it appears, that this means nothing! it doesn't matter if I've done it before, come home safe, If it seem's unwelcome and not ok, then plainly I'm told I can't go. If I do get to go somewhere, I get told Hey, at least I let you. Because that makes me so lucky.

DO you know who really is the lucky person here? You. You're lucky I don't tell you to keep it under your tongue, you're lucky I follow your stupid rules, you're lucky i never stretch the leash.

You don't own me, but I let you control me. Why? Because you've built this false sense of "I Have to earn it" to get what I want.

But No, I don't. I've come to a very real, very true Ideal that I used to believe in. If I'm fine with it, I'll go and do it. Because I can trust my sense of judgement. and I'm no longer listening to yours.
You don't know what's best for me for everything. And what's best for me isn't necessarily the right thing.

How to be a better person.

The problem with people these days, is that many people will recognize, and admit problems with themselves, but do either:
A) Absolutely nothing.
B)Encourage themselves to worsen, because they know that they aren't going to get any better.

Tolerence is a nice fancy word you know, do you know what it means? Well I can't exactly explain it in lamen's terms, but here's the gist, an example.
How much you can stand against an annoyance.
A lot of people seem to think that there are certain thing's that people, or myself will tolerate endlessly, that I'll always turn a blind eye, or just deal with it. other people do it themselves, you know what that does?
It caused you to feel like shit.

No you should have to tolerate anything we don't want to, so isn't it easier to- Throw away anything that annoys us? well unfortunately that doesn't work for personality traits, ideals, animals and family. You can't throw them away, you either need them, or you want something else from them.

Also understand, I am being incredibly hiporcrtical here, I have faults, problems that I won't deal with, such as my increasing weight, my poor diet, and my ability to let go. Can I tackle these issues? Probably. Will I? If I would, I would have done it by now. I rely on other people. that's my biggest fault. despite being independant and capable of supporting myself, I will always rely on the person next to me for that extra boost.

So what do you do. well It's be nice to tell yourself Just do it, except you know that isn't going to work. So you work together with someone. you talk, share, you team up and help each other. Only issue is when the other person talks about how you should help yourself, but never offers anything about how they plan on fixing themself, or accepting your help to help them.

So I've going to pretend everything before this part now is just ramble, and continue with what i was supposed to talk about.

TO be a better person follow these rules.
1: Remember nothing is impossible if you try
2:Nothing get's done if you don't apply effort, or wait for the world to give you what you want
3: never expect anything, from anyone.
4: Let the people around you help you.

Those are the 4 main points I can think of right now in my arrogant mood.

Trust: The fundamentalists guide to misleading and causing a pain in your brain.

You know, I would have thought the whole, Not drinking at James's thing, the uhh stopping myself from going to other parties, was more than enough to prove that I was putting my effort into this to be trusted again.
I thought honestly, it was all over, we can move on.
Well apparently I have a pre-planned baby sitter. Someone to look after me to make sure I don't do anything 'stupid'.
Well enough enough, the bargain of trust you see, is one side offers, the other side returns.
I've been offering for more than 2 months now. I have claimed no return.

Now now, trust has to be rebuilt, of course of course, But what is really the point when you realize you can trust someone again? when someone tells you i list of thing's they've done for you?
No, they can make that up, lie.
It's very easy to lie. I've lied my entire life through almost everything. It's my way of dealing with issues I can't deal with. I lie. But then if it's not what you do for someone to rebuild trust, what is it?

It's that they try. No I'm not saying it's the thought that counts, if someone tries, and actually wants to accomplish bettering themselves and achieves this, you know what that says? they give a damn about the person they are trying for, even if that person is them self.
You know what's not showing trust?

Telling you that you need to be babysat. That you need someone to follow you, record the thing's that you say, filter through your web messages, constantly ask why you haven't responded within a 2 hour period.

Trust doesn't get better over time. it's a ridiculous idea and people need to move on from that. Trust comes back when someone shows that they are trying, and accomplishing.
Witnessing it 5 times, to 20 times doesn't change anything. That first, one time, shows more than enough that they want what they once had.
Because if they didn't, if they thought this wasn't worth it, you know what you do?
You leave. you stop. If it isn't coming now, it isn't coming ever.


And I'm starting to realise that.

Silent Hill is awesome.

After being on the internet for a while, you learn a few key words and terms that get thrown around with a positive atmosphere.
Like Portal. cats. and Silent Hill 2. Of course the first time I heard about it was from Zero Punctuation, where Ben "yahtzee" Seemed to praise it in every single video, even one's non Horror related, I was intrigued, but at the same time, he was old, was probably ok with the old style of games.

But I remembered my experience with Silent Hill 4: The room.

 Now, Back then at the age of 13, 14, This was a pretty freaky game, multiple times I had to turn off the console and leave because I was getting freaked out too much. It wasn't all jump out in your face style horror,









 Also. That Fucking Bunny.

He WAS The creepiest thing ever, literally stared at the screen for 5 minutes after the doll sat up and pointed at me. Fuckin' making my mind go all... mental and stuff...


 So finally, Got Silent Hill 1 and 2, wanting to play 2 more, only played a bit, but sure enough in the first 20 minutes, look who I see.

    Oh Fuck.

Looking forward to playing this more with James and John.

11:30

I really want to play Counter strike, But I really really REALLY want to play Crysis 2.
And Just in case you didn't know, no my system can not handle Crysis 2. Unfortunately because i went el-cheapo with building my current system, I can't play most games :(








I'm thinking maybe I should just buy things part by part. Originally I was going to save up $1200, but it looks like that'll take too long, so I'll have to start small, and upgrade my system bit by bit.

I'm thinking I'll start with a simple upgrade: Ram and Graphics card. Of course I'll also need to pirate me a 64bit Window version, as 32 bit only supports 3gb ram, But it's free, so not really worried about that.
And as for the graphics card, well I reallt wat a Gt400 card, but I might end up getting a GT250 or 260. only $150 after all.


I'm getting sick of not having money. It's all going to bills or something, and then some people like to make fun of the fact I never have money, when I'm working 5 shifts a week. I'm a busy person, and I don't see a lot of rainbow in my hand by thursday.But that's my problem I guess, something I need to figure out the solution too.

Lewis's Guf All Nighter Birthday Bash

Minus the bashing, Insert the AWESOME GUNS BLAZING HEAD POPPING AWESOME SAUCE!
...Dear god there's a term I haven't heard in a while..
Well Anyway, here we are, Me, James Ethan And tyler, in our own little row (Lewis and Cohen are a little further down, but they didn't Participate in our Awesome UT2004 Game) and so far, first hour in, thing's are looking great :D

I actually originally got stuck out in the village with James. We went shopping for 'supplies'.

and I kinda left my keys in the car..

So I got Dad to drive past, click the button, and hey-o, car's Open-o! So we get in, and head into town, do a little funny parking just outside Guf, we head in, two bags of food, energy drinks, and an esky.


Then, Suddenly, Tyler's eyes Gaze opon me.

The moment is almost magical as I recall.. his arms, open welcoming me with his bright smile.. his warm soul, and his legs openly trying to Hump the shit out of me.
Now to be Fair, he had been waiting a fair long time for me, and well, I'm sure an awesome person like me, Of course his crutch would be openly inviting me. But I declined his offer, and took my seat Next to james at the end.

Now as I was saying orginally, Me ethan and tyler played a match of UT2004, Now unfortunately Fraps wasn't running, nor is it on these systems, so I have no screenshot, but here's the Gist.
I BEAT ETHAN BY ONE MUTHA FUCKIN' POINT MUTHA FUCKA!!!

I always do. it's true :)

An epic last shot flak cannon. Too good to be true.


After that it was a trip to Maccas, I was starving for some chicken nuggets

We had many great moments along the way and back.

The rest of the night pretty much was battlefield bad company 2, all by myself, setting up crysis 2 multiplayer for half an hour, then about two hours of Crysis 2.

 Shit was so Cash, I couldn't beieve how much fun the Game was. Running around, Switching between stealth and power mode, really made me consider just upping my graphics card and ram just to get this game.





The Demo only gave us two maps, and a small variety of weapons, no customization in perks, and without those benefits this game was still massive fun, I feel I've barely scratches the surface in just how awesome it really was.

Not that it beats beating ethan by one point or anything, NOTHING beats that satisfaction :D

But as well, I guess it was just something new and experimental, something that wasn't trying to be CoD.

Power Slams Are awesome. 'Nuff said.










Oh, And lewis took a piss in the street. Shit was so cash.

The Girlfriend now has a blog.

So because of this, blogging has now become 'uncool' and 'mainstream' now. xD
Naa I'm just saying that to piss her off :D

 Look at me, Writing my fancy sophisticated sexy blog ;D

But it has reminded me that I need to stay on track with the video game topics, because this is where i can give myself a reason to play them!

"Why do you play Video games"?
'To write stuff in my blog'.
"Oh OK."

That Sounds a whole lot better than 'Because I like to play games'. You know society, and how they love to judge. My own father says that getting a new computer would be a waste of my money, and consoles were made for games, not computers. What a silly man, even though I can understand where he's coming from, you know, video game consoles being for games, I still rely on the entertainment from my computer a fair bit. Not enough to take over my social life, but enough to be my hobby. Since books became boring again :\

Anyway so today I had my first try at Civilization 5.
And to be honest... eh..

                                                                                                              

 I mean I find the concept interesting, and the idea of playing a real world country, developing my own research and forge the very of my people.. but the way it does this turn based... well even though It's the only way to use the key idea's Civ 5 offers, managing so many things at once, you'd have to make it turn based. But even then, I just can't get into it :| My friend John seems really into it, and I'm great he's found a new game (still struggling since amnesia, nothing seems new anymore :(   )

I guess I should try to get them all to play S.W.A.T with me, a great multi- game, and hopefully we can do some group tactics and stuffs. I've always preferred Co-op Games. Hooray for Timesplitters 2!