The bounce back up.

Oh man does it feel good to feel good again.

Hi, I'm Christopher Craven; you may remember me from my blog posts such as "How I rescued humanity from an epidemic of miniature horses" and "Don't go putting thing's where they're not supposed to."

If, and that is a rather normal looking if, composed of an I, and an f. Even in the correct order too, you had been following my posts you would have seen a rather abysmal portrayal of teen angst in an early 20's guy. I'm sure it was cringe inducing for you to read, and I applaud you managed to avoid pulling your internal organs out through your own bellybutton (innie, outie,  they all pierce through with a blade all the same) whilst smashing your head against against a stereo playing Miley Cyrus's 'I came in like a wrecking ball'.

Today, it may have started average with little to no motivation, but sure enough the smallest social interactions have lifted my mood, which has left me realizing this is a valuable tool in getting myself to be in a better mindset to take on life.

This may be hard to believe, but yes, if you consider yourself a socialite, and you then preceeded to not allow anyone to talk to you, it will leave you sitting in an endless cycle of your own mantra telling you that there's nothing worth getting up to try and do to feel better, because right now you obviously feel like crap, so this is how you should feel.

From a logical standpoint,  thus is a very irrational way of thinking,  but humans are not robots,  and our day to day moods impact our daily choices more than most people may realize. I had outside influences out of my control leaving me to feel down. Logically doing something to improve said mood makes sense,  but the brain doesn't work like that with emotions.
If you're confident,  in a positive,  reflective mood, your choices will be more based on continuing that feel good progression. 
If you're down, wanting to feel better, you begin different trains of thought,  starting it's own cycle of letting you make decisions which further, and further your downward spiral.

But why? Don't we prefer being happy over feeling miserable? Why would the human brain encourage us to feel bad once we start feeling bad?
There are scientific answers to these questions, as well as psychological ones, and I will be going more into depth about my analysis of how a downward spiral begins, why it is so hard to stop, and what is the best thing to do to lift yourself up.

Right now, I need to go and drop off more resumes, so feel free to follow if you are keen to see a psychological break down on the test subject: Me.

~So how did today go?

Better-er-er?
Once again, started off pretty good. Managed to edit up my resume, looks very profesh'

Ignoring your spelling, That's good.
Yeah, Printed off 12 copies, was going to go into town and apply and stuff.

But something stopped you again?
Yeah; myself, I thought about money again and the fuel to get into town etc.etc.

Couldn't you have caught the train in?
..Oh wow, yeah I could have.

But your mood didn't allow you?
Look, I don't like how my mood dictates what I do, and I'm trying to maintain thing's in my life so that i get more positive experiences around me than negative.

So how come you aren't able to get up and change those things?
Because a lot of them are small things that are out of my control. I know it's not worth fretting over such things, but when you're running only on your own motivation..

Yeah, don't worry I do get it, you don't want to 'blame' your old smoking habit, but it is likely that some repercussions have occurred from you having the habit for so long.
But I also know that it's not much better to identify something that DID cause an issue, and then pretend just identifying it is the same as fixing it.

SOoooooOooo Whatchuuu gunna do?
Well I have work in half an hour, I'm hoping when I come back from work, I'll focus on making a high quality video editing gameplay clips. Tomorrow I wish to keep the positive mood from tonight (hopefully) and use that to be in town tomorrow.

A'ight, well I'm allowing one more day of this. Then we will have to make some drastic changes.
Sure. But I would like to point out that it is difficult to strive when you don't feel the best.

Everyone goes through the motions, just focus on your goals.
A'ight.

Annddd Back down we goo...

...Falling down the rabbit hole...
Back down the rabbit hole..... Wait what happened? No you said you were going to be 100 percent this morning!

Yeah, I was, I had a shower, Shaved, got dressed, started planning the day for today..
So what the fuck happened to kill all that buzz?

Well, really if I think about it. Nothing's actually changed.
But you're in a 'downer' of a mood, SOMETHING must have changed.

A friend of mine, who I was sort of fooling around with just clearly defined to me that she would never be interested.
But you already knew that, she's told you before, how is this any different?

Because... even though I made changes in my behaviour to be less over bearing about it, I still got a message this morning about how I still "don't get it".
I get it, that doesn't mean I like it...
Well you can't exactly influence what makes someone attractive to them.

Which is why I shouldn't be effected like this..
But you are.

Should I do a summary of why?
I dunno man, That's a lot of backstory you'd have to explain, most of it from a time when it's irrelevant and bringing it up just looks like bringing up old scars and history from people.

But, I thought I set out to do this blog explaining every aspect of my life, I mean I publicly displayed illicit activities online, on this blog, in the belief that I should be honest an-
It was really more of a  "Wouldn't this blog be a great place for readers to find about you after you're famous? They can see what you were like when you were normal and poor like everyone else!

That's not really the reason is it?
I actually am not sure. But yeah it definitely feels like that was a possibility.

So whinging and moaning about relationships is a waste, are we on agreeance?
And the feeling lonely sometimes part too.

...Well I wasn't going to mention that :|
And now, it's there. Feel sorry, move on. What are you going to do to feel better?

My body feel's like it wants to crash into someone arms and just lay there...
Okay, something not desperate sounding and near impossible to achieve right now.

I wouldn't call it near impossible, just it'd have to be with a friend. it wouldn't be someone who viewed me more than that.
But, that's what you meant. Cuddling your female friends isn't the same as cuddling a partner, or someone who likes you more than a tad.

Yeah... Well I really need to shift this mood around.
You also need to be productive today.

Ha....

HOLD. THE. PHONE.

I'm a genius.
You what now?

Okay, I'm not, but god damn it do I feel smarter than before xD
I still, like the reader, have no clue what you're talking about. this better not be click bait.

Click Bait? You want to click on my blog, that's your choice, I name my titles usually on something related to a conversation starter with you.
Okay, Don't really care, what's this revelation you had?

OH. Right; I was originally trying to figure out how to promote my blog, get more followers, blah blah blah.
Facebook? Dude, I wouldn't do that until after at least a little famosity. like a hundred followers.

Yeah, nah, I agree, I'm not posting this up on facebook until someone finds it and gives me a speech about "not knowing who I was" or how I'm gross for having used to smoke weed.
This isn't melbourne after all.

Anyway, So I have been posting on google+ Right?
Yeah....^but who uses google+....

A lot of people, I just never bothered adding people to my circles.
Alright, so what's your plan?

Add a bunch of random people from all over into my circles, and assuming it works like facebook, some of my posts should be in their feed, hai?
I guess. I only know what you know dude, if you're unsure, I'm even more unsure and wary usually.
But why is this so great? Anyone self promoting can do that.

YES! But, I can specifically add people of a specific stereotype, or that hang out in specific community threads that would be interested in reading some random bloke posting up how he's trying to improve his life, maybe get some of that motivation rolling onto them!
...I know those people exist, but it still seems rude to just openly announce that you're going to try and add people just for the hope they like your content.

Well, blogging isn't a very noble thing anyway, in fact so far, this blog isn't the least bit inspiring.
awhh, you don't have to be that harsh on yourself.

No, I mean, it's only over the coming future weeks, where if I continue to improve my life, and post about it, that this blog will become something worth reading reguarly, encouraging the idea of people following.
You know, I wouldn't exactly call this 'revolutionary'

No that is true. But I do feel better, and I'm going to use this positive energy to do something good!
Oh, So you're going to go and be produc-

Oh, well, later, i've been invited by courtney to hang out.
Oh, >.> That's why your mood improved.

I think so? I don't know, but it's better than not feeling better!
Alright, well go have fun. Just remember when you come back there's shit you can d-

Sorry, Can't read you, pretending I don't have any life problems.

~That Mother Fuckin', Lazy Arse, Piece of granular open SEASON-

- Horse Shit!
Uh oh, Somebody's maaddd.

You're damn Fuckin' right I'm pissed, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
Woooahhhh Space Cowboy, hold on, what's up?

WHAT'S UP?! OH YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING CLEVER, AVOIDING ANY FORM OF ACTUAL EFFORT OR WORK, AND SOMEHOW STILL NOT MANAGING TO MOVE A MUSCLE.
Heyyy, Come on now, It hasn't been that unproductive. I've got two (possibly two, one fo' sure) part time job's, I can relax a little right?

It's like you don't even listen to me!
Here, Tell me if this sounds familiar to you at all.

"3 days in a row now, you need to start your day 100 percent motivated."
"Well what's up with that? Dude you should be pushin' to the limit, Juggling 5 part time job's and teaching 
someone's kid algebra. 

I think it was because how easily I picked up work yesterday, that I didn't feel a "need" to push myself and 
achieve a whole bunch today..

Guy. You know that's how it starts.



Yeah, I know Buddy."

....You didn't want me to start this blog for helping other people's sake did you.
You can help someone on the way, sure, but no this blog is more of  tool for yourself.
You have a bad habit of creating false positive memories about how you've felt, so you get a false sense of security and stop making an effort. We did all this so you can see, visually see, how you always think you start off so grand and high minded, but it only ever takes a few days before you slack off and let your interest drop.

I feel I've done a bit better than....Oh...
Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Well...Shit. What do I do about this?
Wh-.....What do you do about this? You honestly want me to believe that you have no clue and are just waiting for someone to come round and give you some 1up Speech that will kick you into high gear and never come back down?

Your thoughts, not mine.
Same. Thoughts.

Shit... right, well I don't know. I was a bit let down last night not being able to see a friend, I've felt monotone all day-
Does monotone make sense in that sentence?

I think so, I'm not going to look it up until someone on the internet tell's me I'm wrong.
Anyway, So that left me feeling meh this morning, I've called a few friends, but they are working/busy for today.
So, how did you rationalize that into today being another waste of a day?

BECAUSE, I keep going round and round in my head with the same trains of thought. As follows.

- I need more hours/ another Job. Money will be SUPER HIGH PRIORITY when monday comes 'round, but by then it'd be too late to do anything.

-I need to go to Centrelink and make application for Newstart, even though I would't see any of that for a while. Once I do the application, all I have to do is wait, but I haven't made an effort to go  as I am low on funds, because I need to save up all my income for rent and bills on monday.

-Buy's Food. Shit, don't I need to save like, Every cent right now?  That's why we went Grocery shopping, to save money. Yeah I'm pretty sure I'm not making enough money this week to survive the next one. It left me feeling "ugh" when I did all the maths and saw the expenses being higher than the income, so I've disallowed my brain to think about budgeting for a few more days.
But that doesn't change the fact that something still needs to be done.
I know :| Right now, somehow I've figured that I need to either work on;

A) My motivational ability (Although this is something I can't just 'directly' influence, more making changes in life will eventually help assist in my ability to stay focused on singular tasks and motivated.

B) My discipline, which will feel great once I finish tasks. But I still haven't brought myself to starting most. It's been a few days since I've achieved anything so I kinda feel like I'm running on.... well nothing :\
What do you mean running on nothing?

Like, normally, there's a Drive, a motivation, and usually if I have been enjoying my down time, actually socializing with someone, or going out and spending money (Which, I can't do anymore... hey I wonder how much of my last two years happiness was based purely on anytime I bought something...) I can positively push through objectives and goals, using the buzz of happiness from whatever I did to cheer myself up (implying I was down, not though, sorta this ~monotone, I still don't think it works there, or here. Flat feeling.

Well it's 3pm. I think you should prioritize tasks you can only do during the day right now, that way when it get's to night time, you don't leave yourself stuck in that cycle of thinking up all these great idea's you could have done today, but it's too late now because the sun is down.
Part of me feels like even if I was satisfied with most things right now, money, time with friends, that I would still come home, Happier Yes, but I'd just hop on battlefield 4. I think I would enjoy it more than i would playing it now. But I want to be happier, and use that to be productive, not just enjoy all this extra time I got off.

So what do you want to do, or what do you think you should do.
I think I need to be in a better state of mind. I know what I just said about being worried I would still be lazy even if I did perk back up, but it's the only thing I can think of that I know I'll get up and move for. Or exercise. It's felt pretty good to be getting fitter, flatter stomach, and bigger arms.

But those thing's won't pay your bills on monday.
I know... I feel like a big brainstorming sesh, but most times I do, it's usually me going round in circles still not figuring out which is the best option to dedicate real time and/or money to.

Well, You better figure it out mate.
I promise, if I wake up feeling exactly as I do tomorrow, I'm going to force myself to do everything I know I should have done today, or any day. Then at the end of the day, hopefully looking back on thing's I achieve will start another positive domino effect.

I've noticed you seem to be a little too reliable on this domino effect being a real, valid thing.
It kind of is, but I also know i don't fully understand what triggers it, or how to necessarily take advantage of it once the ball does start rolling.

Well, it's your life you're trying to improve.
At least I've confidently stopped smoking.

Weed.
I'll stop with the bacchie bongs too...

For those who don't know, a bacchie is tobacco in a pipe. Christopher doesn't smoke cigarette's, so he get's a headspin when having one. it's still pointless and a waste.
The more you know.

Self observational post.

So a couple of things to point out after the 3 day phase.

1) I really did forget how much easier it gets after 3 days. But it is still as easy as before to fall back into it. A false sense of security. I nearly caved last night, but feel very thankful to myself and the fact that it was 1 am as reasons why I persevered. Sort of.

2) My mood is very complacent and flat when I am not engaging in conversation with another person. I perk up, feel confident and good. Until I walk away and back to being by myself. I don't feel down, it feels more like being tired of feeling down. So now I just feel meh.

This is not helpful in trying to achieve getting back my motivation, or working on my discipline. I am unsure if I spend a few hours with a friend whether that positive reaction will continue to flow in me when we are done.

But I think I should rule out whether that is the case first. Will spend today working on improving my social standing with people I know. Can only hope it leads to a future domino effect with future social engagements.

Christopher Craven out

Ohhhh.....

~It'd be easier if I could open the blinds.

Oi, Get up.
I am up.

No, GET up.
But I'm soo warm and snuggly...

3 days in a row now, you need to start your day 100 percent motivated.
Oh screw off, it's not like you have to do anything or physically make an effort here. All you do is talk and offer suggestions.

Yeah. I left you in control for the last 4 years or so, remind me again who got themselves to not only waste 3 years of income on menial things, but also got them self on a very, very intense smoking weed period?

>.>
Go have a shower. I am sure you will feel better grumpy pants.

I'm not grumpy.... I just like this bed...
Now.

Yeah. Okay get it

Day 1 (RESTART #1) 2/2 posts

~So how are we going so far

Well?
......?

The title, How's everything going?
Oh, It's going okay.

Just..okay?
Well, actually in hindsight, I'm doing better than I probably should, I ended up picking up a few hours at the other fish shop in my town.

Alright, You got some part time work, That's surely bought you another 2-3 weeks time?
Well... Yes and no, I've definitely got more time now, A week or two at best perhaps I'll get by.

But that should be more than enough time right? originally you had to find any work you could pick up at all, when did you get this job?
Yesterday, It was while I was out to visit the Library, originally I was going to write out a new, updated resume, see if I could print off a bunch of copies to use for next time I'm in town. (City,)

Well that's good! But even though text has no tone, I can still tell you ain't pleased as punch.
I don't even like punch. Actually, thinking about it, I don't know what punch is. It's a fruit based drink right?

Quit avoiding, what's up dude?
*Scoffs* "Dude". Are you trying to level with me?

Oh, I'm sorry, Don't I reek of pretentiousness enough for you to converse with me?
..What?

Stop being an arse and talk to me. Why aren't you happy. 
Probably because it's been a long day. It's possible I've just exhausted myself and am unable to lift up my own spirits right now.

Oh so today you-
Shutup. No, I was mostly home all day today. On the computer.

Ahhh...
I wanted to be a bit more productive than just sorting through my clips and-

Refreshing the front page of reddit.
Well....yeah... maybe 20-25 times...

Well what's up with that? Dude you should be pushin' to the limit, Juggling 5 part time job's and teaching someone's kid algebra. 
I think it was because how easily I picked up work yesterday, that I didn't feel a "need" to push myself and achieve a whole bunch today..

Guy. You know that's how it starts.
Yeah, I know Buddy.

Friend, you really shouldn't be risking testing your self discipline and motivational ability. You should just keep doing these positive habit's until they stick.
Yeah, I know.

Stop saying you know, you clearly don't, you're repeating the same mistakes as before.
Yeah.... I have a theory why, but it could be wrong.

And what's that?
I've recently let myself become close to someone, and now the other half of me has unrealistic expectations. I mean I don't actually have expectations, but my brain still wants to convince me that I apparently see a realistic future being around this person.

Wait, so you do, or don't?
I know not to be thinking anything, but sub consciously, Wish fulfillment wise, for some reason a part of me wants this.

This, or her?
I think it was more a this thing... I mean don't get me wrong, I dig her, but I don't actually expect any further developments other than our current friendship model, with its odd fooling around.

So You're still all banged up about not having a missus eh?
What can I say, I'm a sucker for couple stuff. I haven't done couple stuff in a while,

That sounds kinda gay.
No, that's me being defensive about admitting that I'm a touchy feely guy, You don't actually think it sounds gay.

And I would've gotten away with it too.
damned teenagers and that dumb dog.

So what's the best method for you right now?
Dunno, it's nearly 1am, I should be going to bed I guess. Since I'm also aware i'm slightly burnt out and not particularly 'up' at the moment..

So what's stopping you?
The thought process of waking up tomorrow morning feeling as I did today. Unmotivated. I really can't afford to be.

Well you'll never know til you try.
I'll let you know If I have issues in the morning too.

I'll be here... counting my views on one hand.
You don't have a hand.

You don't have viewers.


touché

Day 1 (RESTART #1) 1/2 posts

420 it

Just edited together the footage of My (and courtney's) Last night smokin' up.
There isn't anything to really get out of this, it's simply footage of what two stoners look like.

This was Last night, 3pm next day now I feel pretty good, no cravings, but I also had 3 standard drinks earlier today (I swear I was just finishing off what I had in the fridge!)

Also Courtney's already gone back on quitting. Solo tiem.

Day Numero Uno

Oh man, You would not believe the amount of stuff I've already put off today xD.

My apologies, I'm meant to be very serious and actually a tad dramatic about all of this, but I'm just amazed at myself, it's day 1 of do better or you're fucked, and even though yes, I hung a load of washing, put away another load, Converted a bunch of footage on my PC To make up free space and to quicken the editing process. Now do you see what's wrong with the above picture?

I have a week roughly until the next set of Rent is due, which requires me to have more money than I currently have, so priority 1 should be getting up and trying to pick up hours anywhere. even if it was a meagre 10 hours, It would still be enough to pay rent and bills (in perspective now, I really, really am happy to be out of that fish shop).

But, I shouldn't be. This is meant to be the most stressful point of my life...thus far I guess.
And here I am, still not taking advantage of my time 100 percent to the "best" way that I can/should. I've identified it though, so why haven't I done anything today?
Well, let's look at the thought process.

*8:30 am Alarm sounds off, I have been awake for about 15 minutes listening to the room mate move around the house whilst also having another conversation with myself about getting out of bed:

For once I'm going to start the conversation, I don't know if this is that unusual but I feel a need to highlight it.
Well that's good for you, I'd like to lay in bed a bit more. It's warm and snuggly here and I don't plan on moving I think.

Hath doth thou'st already forgotten what today is?
Oh God, that is annoying. I'll remember not to talk in ye olde anymore. Anyway I haven't forgotten.

It's Day 1.
Yeah, I know, our first big step together.

Seem's like I'm going all the effort here and it's only been 10 minutes of conscious time.
Hey that's not fair, you probably had like all night to plan this conversation.

No Chris, You know it doesn't work like that.
I wanted an out.

So you know you have to get up?
*Rolls over back to the phone, checks the time, it is now 8:45

Yeah...probably..
Probably? This is your can do attitude for the first day?

Oh dude come on, don't judge, I just woke up and I'm still in bed. I feel way better after I get dressed.
Well there's a first step then. Get up, dress yourself into something smart looking.

Why?
It's your first day, any activity other than applying for jobs is going to be deemed a waste of time.

I suppose that makes sense... Getting at least between 10-25 Hours a week right now should be my first priority.
Exactly, You can go to the Local Library, print out a bunch of resume's, head into town/corio and inquire for as many part time, casual and/or full time positions you can.

Yeah... But I also want to quickly check through my recorded gameplay content, maybe upload another video or two. One a compilation and the other tips on how to play battlefield 4.
I'm sorry, will either of these pay your rent next week?

No....
So we shouldn't be doing that first.

Well I did.
Priorities must b-
Wait, what?

Oh, Well It's 1:05pm at writing this. I've made two video blog recordings thus far about how I've felt and what I've done today.
And.... what did you do.

Convert footage, hang washing, take off washing, Drink two drinks (finishing my last and third drink now, I don't really want it sitting in the fridge tempting me)
Whatever you tell youself.
Well are you getting up now to drop off resume's and pick up any hours you can?

Well....no, I'm sitting here typing this up..
And is this blog going to pay your rent next week?

Yeah, I get it. I should be applying for jobs right now.
Yeah, get onto it.

Luck? Shit outta that.

A few days Later

VIDEO Blog on a WRITTEN blog? Who the hell's keeping track of what now?

I won't be writing much when I post the video Blog's. I feel they do the justice themselves explaining what they are, but if there's anything behind the scenes related that's interesting I'll more likely than not put it here.

Quitting Weed

~So he smoked his last 3 pipes.

Hi.
It's a bit difficult to start this off as an explanation. More so a little update as it started, but then he had a grand idea.
I should make posts under as myself.
Who am I?
He's decided that officially I am "a representation of what I want to be" who counsels and talks to him whenever something needs to be deconstructed and understood. Sadly my knowledge is only limited to his, as this isn't a split personality situation. He's having difficulty correcting all the he's and I's as.

I'm simply the rational, pro happy choices side of thinking. Being labelled as a character for mere amusement.

Anyway. I hope he kicks this weed thing. Although we got a few other issues we need to work through as well.

For another time.

Battlefield is a team player game.

Wanted to quickly post this. I'm starting to edit more content in vegas for uploading. Hoping to improve mah skillz.

Discipline, Motivation & The Human Condition.

You know what's difficult?
Of course you do, you've been exposed to the world.

You know what's a struggle?
I'm sure your news feed has shared a story much more darker than yours.

Do you know why?
Why? Why what?

Why I'm being all philosophical with the open ended questions.
No, but believe me it's beginning to irritate me more than your capitalizing habit. Also I still don't see how why came fr-

Because, whe-
Wait, stop. I will let you finish, but first answer this, do you remember where you were originally going with this?

I-... Mostly do.
I Fucking knew it.

OBJECTION!!!
...what?

I had a whole thing typed out here, and somehow I managed to ctrl-z half this conversation.
I...You what? How the fuck did yo-

I have no Fucking idea! I spent a good amount of time on it too.
Well I would have as well. I don't recall this.

Because, I deleted it..
So? I should be able to remember.

Look, I can't really explain this to you right now without near causing an existential crisis.
So you do think I would have one?!

You've... changed....
What?

This was meant to be a serious blog. I was going to start posting about my weed addiction, and post up how I was going an-
Whoooahh whooahhh, You wanted to let out how much private information?

You were the one that suggested it?
That doesn't sound like me

See that's what I was saying. You've changed. I was the one sitting around feeling bad, and you were actively telling me what to do.
Again, none of this I recall. But I will say that I don't think I would have told you to tell everyone that you still smoke, and have been struggling to stop by yourself.

Hey, You said it not m-
You can't slink yourself away from this that easily. You're manipulating all of this.

I Don't like the way you use manipulate... but you're right, all of this is under my control.. I don't have voices respond or answer. It's always me discussing myself with me.
What happened to talking to friends and family?

We already discussed that, about how I felt and not wanting to be overbearing, plus the fact that I've been lying to some close friends about when I stopped. Since you know..
You didn't.

Yeah..
Well if you wanted this blog to help other people, why this format?

I'm going to say what do you mean, even though I do know what you're going to say. It feels like I'm more writing a novel..
It's meant to be a blog. I'm meant to be a blog, Everything you're doing i-

I thought we weren't making you my blog?
You can't even keep track anymore.
So did you want to do your original idea?

Making a Liveblog with Video Blog posts about me overcoming weed and motivational issues... I don't know.. I was so sure earlier..
Because in that space of time, you felt there was nothing else you could do/plan ahead.

Maybe. But I still want to do something. Take up my time with something beneficial to myself or others.
And is it that you feel that you are experienced enough to teach other's? You publicly make it sound like you can't even benefit yourse-

Wooahh, Again, Sudden change, What is with that?
You can't type it, but there's something that you wanted to do that is now being prevented.

It's smoke weed isn't it
Oh, You're so clever, knowing your own thoughts.

I will hopefully stop after this batch?
Yeah, Just like every other time...

Well Recording it should help motivate me I reckon.
Step 1.